Chapter 4: Letter

The following is a letter I sent to my father when he asked me to send him a list of the reason why we had left the church.

Hey Dad,

Sorry it has taken me so long to get this e-mail to you. I'm not very good at this sort of thing (as I'm sure you know :P ) and I'm especially not good at uncomfortable conversations.

Before I get in to any specifics I just wanted to say a few things about my writing this e-mail. First, I wanted to say thank you so much to you and mom for how kind and accepting you have been to us. I know this is really hard for you guys but you have been really great. I appreciate that you haven't tried to confront us or pressure us in any way. You have been wonderful examples of unconditional love. Second, I wasn't exactly sure what your intentions were in asking for this e-mail. I'm hopeful that you simply wish to understand how we have gotten to our current beliefs about Mormonism. I will say though that I hope your intention is not to try and answer all of our concerns or to try and change our minds. We have done extensive research on these topics from both points of view. It took us over a year of exhaustive study and struggle to come to our conclusions. Our decision is made. We always try to keep our minds open to new possibilities but we appreciate the fact that our decisions and beliefs have been respected by those we love, just as we intend to respect all of your beliefs and decisions concerning your lives. I hope you understand that I am not trying to be rude or hurtful. I simply hope to establish healthy boundaries for a respectful and loving relationship with each other. I hope you know how much we love you both. The very last thing we ever wanted to do was to hurt you or to cause you pain, but we must also live according to what we believe is best for our family.

Now as far as your original request: to send you a list of the reasons why we have decided to leave the church. I don't know if this is really possible. Like I said above, it took us over a year of constant and grueling research to reach our conclusions. It would take an entire book (or ten) to list all of the problems we came across that led to our doubts and eventual decision. Really the only way I think I can help you to understand is to give you some of the sources we used so you can read them yourself. Nothing I'm going to send you is anti-Mormon literature, in fact they are almost all written or put out by believing, active Mormons. Also, this list does not constitute the entirety of our research but it is a good general layout of the basic things we came across in our studies.

The first is a youtube video by John Dehlin trying to help active Mormons understand where their friends and family are coming from when they leave the church.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uZQJc5SxnVs


The second is a book by Grant Palmer. Palmer was a church historian that concluded that while he liked many of the teachings of Joseph Smith, "the foundational events in church history are too problematic to ignore". He found that much of what Latter Day Saints take for granted as literal history has, over the years, been modified to emphasize certain aspects over others. This, he believes, has resulted in an inaccurate picture of LDS Church history. He was disfellowshipped for publishing his book but he was never excommunicated. Also, neither the Mormon church, it's paid historians, nor apologists dispute the accuracy of his information, only the conclusions he came to.

The third is a book by Todd Compton about the plural wives of Joseph Smith. Both of these books are on their way to your house and should be there within a few days.

The fourth is another video, this one about the book of Abraham. This is the only one not put out by a church member, but it does try to be fair and not biased in either direction.
http://www.bookofabraham.info/

Also, here are links to FAIR and FARMS, the church's apologetic websites:
http://www.fairlds.org/
http://maxwellinstitute.byu.edu/

Here is one last link to the Mormon Apologetics and Discussion Board:
http://www.mormonapologetics.org/forum/11-lds-dialogue-discussion/?s=6860dc4fc4b18d44d69ad2e60aee0d5d
It is a forum where apologists and regular Mormons can go to discuss different aspects of church history and doctrine.



Anyway, thanks again for being patient with me while you waited for this. I hope you know how much we love you and value our relationship with you. You don't need to worry about us. We are extremely happy with the path our lives have taken. I can honestly say I have never been more at peace or more fulfilled. I feel that over the last few years I have become a better mother, a better wife, and a better me. Life still has it's ups and downs but I feel much more confident and sure of myself and my abilities to handle what might come.


I love you guys so much.
Your daughter,

TheMormonAtheist

I'm Back

I know you missed me. You no longer have to pretend to just nonchalantly check this blog every hour or so to see if I have resurfaced. I know you just couldn't stand waiting any longer for the next post and were on the verge of pulling your hair and dancing on your coffee table singing show tunes at the top of your lungs, the anticipation was that strong. I know that all (3) of you haven't possibly gone on with your own lives and don't even remember that this bog ever existed. Sorry about that. I'll try not to let it happen again.

I don't really know why I stopped writing. I guess I just sort of ran out of steam. I wasn't completely and utterly thrilled with my last two posts and I figured it was all just garbage and no one really cared anyway. So I gave up. I'm not good at making myself do uncomfortable things and this blog has been surprisingly difficult. Despite all pretenses I do like to imagine myself as somewhat of a good writer and I'm afraid if I ever get more than three followers then it will be painfully obvious to everyone who reads this how utterly craptastic my writing skills are.

Anyway, I'm going to try and forget all that (no one reads this damn thing anyway so what does it matter) and try to post more often. Hopefully in the future posts will be a lot less whiny and pathetic than this one has been.

Chapter 3: Sexism

Sorry it's been a little while since I updated. My children and I have been extremely sick for a the last couple weeks. I know you all (3) were on pins and needles waiting for my next post. Well, I'll try not to disappoint you any more than is necessary.

I wanted to write a little bit about the role of sexism in the Mormon church and my life growing up in it. Anyone who has had much to do with the Mormon church knows about the inherent sexism in the system. It is run by 19th century patriarchal rules. Men are the only ones allowed the "priesthood" which is basically supposed to be the same power God wields. Women are never allowed to serve in any capacity that would require this supposed authority. We are taught from the time we are toddlers that we are to follow the instructions of men our entire lives. From our Fathers to our Bishops (leader of a congregation) to our husbands and any other male church authority we come in contact with. We are taught to always defer to their authority over us. Of course they are instructed to avoid "unrighteous dominion" but it is made very clear that they are still the dominant ones. For more info on this see Kent Ponder's article: Mormon Women, Prozac, and Therapy here.

Personally this teaching has affected my life profoundly. First off I want to say that my father is a wonderful man. He is kind, caring, and I love and respect him deeply. He is, however, pretty sexist. It's a really weird thing because you would never think so on the surface. He always treats women with respect. He has excellent relationships with his daughters. We all love him more than I can say. He has never done anything overtly sexist. He and anyone who knows him would probably be profoundly shocked that I would say such a thing about him. Anyone besides his daughters that is. We've all discussed it at different times and it's been pretty obvious to all four of us.

It's not that my father doesn't like women, he just doesn't respect them. He doesn't like female photographers, doctors, politicians, directors, etc. I was taught that women just don't do any of those sorts of things as well as men can. I sincerely believed and defended the idea that, just like men are generally physically stronger than women, they are also generally smarter than women.

I remember the first time I realized my dad wasn't as interested in my intellect as he would have been if I were his son. He is a photographer, and a really good one. I love photography too and always begged him to teach me. I have many fond memories of sitting in the dark room with him for hours. The smell of fixer still brings back wonderful memories. But in order to get him to ever teach me anything I had to beg and plead for it. He just obviously wasn't interested or didn't think I had the capability. One day my cousin came over so my dad could help him with some stuff for his photography class. My dad got so excited. He was practically jumping out of his chair in excitement. "I love having someone to finally talk to about this stuff. I would love to teach you more!"

I was heartbroken. Apparently I didn't count as someone he believed worthy to pass his knowledge on to. Only a male student could ever really understand and excel. Looking back, thousands of other instances jumped out at me of him acting as though women couldn't ever be as competent as men at most complicated endeavors. Unfortunately, for a long time I believed he was right. I largely gave up on the idea of being a good photographer because I believed I couldn't possibly have what it takes to excel at it.

I still struggle with automatically deferring to male authority and in believing in my own capabilities as a woman. I get intimidated easily by men, even when they aren't trying to intimidate me in any way. They're men, so of course they know better than I do, right? Ugh!

I'm working on it.

Chapter 2: Childhood

My childhood was...really good. I know it would be a lot more riveting to tell you all about my awful, abusive childhood at the hands of monstrous brainwashed cult members. On the contrary though I have wonderful parents who raised me with love and affection.

I am the youngest of six children. My older brothers and sister tell stories about my parents, especially my father, when he was a lot more strict. There is a particular story about a 2x4 with several nails sticking out of one end that was frequently used in discipline methods (before you freak out too much, no the side with the nails was not the business end). My older siblings swear up and down that this story is true and my parents are equally as adamant that they are making it up. Everyone makes their declarations while laughing and joking around so I have no idea if it ever even happened but I do know my parents were a lot more strict with them than they were with us younger kids. As is pretty common, by the time they got to us they had mellowed considerably.

I have no idea how typical my childhood was compared to a non-Mormon childhood. It's all I have ever known so I really have nothing to compare it with. I suspect it wasn't much different except maybe for the number of children in the house, but in Mormonism 6 children is only a medium-large sized family so it didn't seem at all strange to me. There were several families in our neighborhood that had 7 or 8 children. There were even one or two with 10 or so children. I loved being in a big family. I loved having brothers and sisters around all the time.

Both of my parents worked full time, as well as my dad working practically another full time job (without pay of course) in his church positions so the older children (i.e. daughters) helped out a lot at home. The two boys weren't expected to do much but that is a topic for another time.

Anyway, I know this probably isn't the most exciting post of all time. I'm simply attempting to lay a foundation for future topics. We'll get to the good stuff eventually.

Chapter 1: Huh?

Now, I'm not so presumptuous to think that I am some sort of great writer, or even that anyone will care about anything I have to say. I have created this blog mostly as a therapeutic tool for myself. If anyone else ever reads it and gets anything out of it, then I guess that's cool too.

You might ask what exactly is a Mormon Atheist...well, let me first explain that I am not a practicing Mormon. I haven't been to church in over a year and a half and I have absolutely no plans on ever going back. I think the Book of Mormon is a 19th century con job and Joseph Smith was a philandering sociopath who was far more concerned with his own power and control over others than in any sort of restoration of "the good news". If there is any sort of god out there I absolutely cannot believe she would choose someone as her "prophet" who would coerce 14 year-old girls and other men's wives to have secret (oh, sorry...sacred) sex with him under threat of eternal damnation for her and her entire family. I could be wrong about that but I highly doubt it.

The thing is...I will always be a Mormon. No matter how hard I try I just can't seem to escape it. My upbringing, and my subsequent escape from Mormondumb, colors everything I do, say, or see. Being a Mormon is much like being a separate race, and no longer going to church doesn't change the fact that in several ways, both large and small, I will always be different from the rest of society, at least that's the way it is for me. Mormons pride themselves on being a "peculiar people" and let me tell you: once you get out, that title follows you around like a child with snot covered fingers. You don't want it to touch you but you can't just tell it to fuck off.

I don't necessarily think this is all a bad thing. Sometimes I really would like to just leave Mormonism behind me and never think about it ever again. It would be so nice to be able to just be comfortable around people and not feel like some sort of alien on a strange planet. On the other hand, being Mormon has made me who I am. It has taught me so much about what it is to be manipulated by people who sincerely love you and believe they are doing the best thing for you. I am a much more critically minded person and I am hopefully a lot less likely to get sucked in to something like that again. I've also learned a lot about what it means to have true integrity, and to follow what you believe is right even when the cost of that is almost unbearable.