I know you missed me. You no longer have to pretend to just nonchalantly check this blog every hour or so to see if I have resurfaced. I know you just couldn't stand waiting any longer for the next post and were on the verge of pulling your hair and dancing on your coffee table singing show tunes at the top of your lungs, the anticipation was that strong. I know that all (3) of you haven't possibly gone on with your own lives and don't even remember that this bog ever existed. Sorry about that. I'll try not to let it happen again.
I don't really know why I stopped writing. I guess I just sort of ran out of steam. I wasn't completely and utterly thrilled with my last two posts and I figured it was all just garbage and no one really cared anyway. So I gave up. I'm not good at making myself do uncomfortable things and this blog has been surprisingly difficult. Despite all pretenses I do like to imagine myself as somewhat of a good writer and I'm afraid if I ever get more than three followers then it will be painfully obvious to everyone who reads this how utterly craptastic my writing skills are.
Anyway, I'm going to try and forget all that (no one reads this damn thing anyway so what does it matter) and try to post more often. Hopefully in the future posts will be a lot less whiny and pathetic than this one has been.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Chapter 3: Sexism
Sorry it's been a little while since I updated. My children and I have been extremely sick for a the last couple weeks. I know you all (3) were on pins and needles waiting for my next post. Well, I'll try not to disappoint you any more than is necessary.
I wanted to write a little bit about the role of sexism in the Mormon church and my life growing up in it. Anyone who has had much to do with the Mormon church knows about the inherent sexism in the system. It is run by 19th century patriarchal rules. Men are the only ones allowed the "priesthood" which is basically supposed to be the same power God wields. Women are never allowed to serve in any capacity that would require this supposed authority. We are taught from the time we are toddlers that we are to follow the instructions of men our entire lives. From our Fathers to our Bishops (leader of a congregation) to our husbands and any other male church authority we come in contact with. We are taught to always defer to their authority over us. Of course they are instructed to avoid "unrighteous dominion" but it is made very clear that they are still the dominant ones. For more info on this see Kent Ponder's article: Mormon Women, Prozac, and Therapy here.
Personally this teaching has affected my life profoundly. First off I want to say that my father is a wonderful man. He is kind, caring, and I love and respect him deeply. He is, however, pretty sexist. It's a really weird thing because you would never think so on the surface. He always treats women with respect. He has excellent relationships with his daughters. We all love him more than I can say. He has never done anything overtly sexist. He and anyone who knows him would probably be profoundly shocked that I would say such a thing about him. Anyone besides his daughters that is. We've all discussed it at different times and it's been pretty obvious to all four of us.
It's not that my father doesn't like women, he just doesn't respect them. He doesn't like female photographers, doctors, politicians, directors, etc. I was taught that women just don't do any of those sorts of things as well as men can. I sincerely believed and defended the idea that, just like men are generally physically stronger than women, they are also generally smarter than women.
I remember the first time I realized my dad wasn't as interested in my intellect as he would have been if I were his son. He is a photographer, and a really good one. I love photography too and always begged him to teach me. I have many fond memories of sitting in the dark room with him for hours. The smell of fixer still brings back wonderful memories. But in order to get him to ever teach me anything I had to beg and plead for it. He just obviously wasn't interested or didn't think I had the capability. One day my cousin came over so my dad could help him with some stuff for his photography class. My dad got so excited. He was practically jumping out of his chair in excitement. "I love having someone to finally talk to about this stuff. I would love to teach you more!"
I was heartbroken. Apparently I didn't count as someone he believed worthy to pass his knowledge on to. Only a male student could ever really understand and excel. Looking back, thousands of other instances jumped out at me of him acting as though women couldn't ever be as competent as men at most complicated endeavors. Unfortunately, for a long time I believed he was right. I largely gave up on the idea of being a good photographer because I believed I couldn't possibly have what it takes to excel at it.
I still struggle with automatically deferring to male authority and in believing in my own capabilities as a woman. I get intimidated easily by men, even when they aren't trying to intimidate me in any way. They're men, so of course they know better than I do, right? Ugh!
I'm working on it.
I wanted to write a little bit about the role of sexism in the Mormon church and my life growing up in it. Anyone who has had much to do with the Mormon church knows about the inherent sexism in the system. It is run by 19th century patriarchal rules. Men are the only ones allowed the "priesthood" which is basically supposed to be the same power God wields. Women are never allowed to serve in any capacity that would require this supposed authority. We are taught from the time we are toddlers that we are to follow the instructions of men our entire lives. From our Fathers to our Bishops (leader of a congregation) to our husbands and any other male church authority we come in contact with. We are taught to always defer to their authority over us. Of course they are instructed to avoid "unrighteous dominion" but it is made very clear that they are still the dominant ones. For more info on this see Kent Ponder's article: Mormon Women, Prozac, and Therapy here.
Personally this teaching has affected my life profoundly. First off I want to say that my father is a wonderful man. He is kind, caring, and I love and respect him deeply. He is, however, pretty sexist. It's a really weird thing because you would never think so on the surface. He always treats women with respect. He has excellent relationships with his daughters. We all love him more than I can say. He has never done anything overtly sexist. He and anyone who knows him would probably be profoundly shocked that I would say such a thing about him. Anyone besides his daughters that is. We've all discussed it at different times and it's been pretty obvious to all four of us.
It's not that my father doesn't like women, he just doesn't respect them. He doesn't like female photographers, doctors, politicians, directors, etc. I was taught that women just don't do any of those sorts of things as well as men can. I sincerely believed and defended the idea that, just like men are generally physically stronger than women, they are also generally smarter than women.
I remember the first time I realized my dad wasn't as interested in my intellect as he would have been if I were his son. He is a photographer, and a really good one. I love photography too and always begged him to teach me. I have many fond memories of sitting in the dark room with him for hours. The smell of fixer still brings back wonderful memories. But in order to get him to ever teach me anything I had to beg and plead for it. He just obviously wasn't interested or didn't think I had the capability. One day my cousin came over so my dad could help him with some stuff for his photography class. My dad got so excited. He was practically jumping out of his chair in excitement. "I love having someone to finally talk to about this stuff. I would love to teach you more!"
I was heartbroken. Apparently I didn't count as someone he believed worthy to pass his knowledge on to. Only a male student could ever really understand and excel. Looking back, thousands of other instances jumped out at me of him acting as though women couldn't ever be as competent as men at most complicated endeavors. Unfortunately, for a long time I believed he was right. I largely gave up on the idea of being a good photographer because I believed I couldn't possibly have what it takes to excel at it.
I still struggle with automatically deferring to male authority and in believing in my own capabilities as a woman. I get intimidated easily by men, even when they aren't trying to intimidate me in any way. They're men, so of course they know better than I do, right? Ugh!
I'm working on it.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Chapter 2: Childhood
My childhood was...really good. I know it would be a lot more riveting to tell you all about my awful, abusive childhood at the hands of monstrous brainwashed cult members. On the contrary though I have wonderful parents who raised me with love and affection.
I am the youngest of six children. My older brothers and sister tell stories about my parents, especially my father, when he was a lot more strict. There is a particular story about a 2x4 with several nails sticking out of one end that was frequently used in discipline methods (before you freak out too much, no the side with the nails was not the business end). My older siblings swear up and down that this story is true and my parents are equally as adamant that they are making it up. Everyone makes their declarations while laughing and joking around so I have no idea if it ever even happened but I do know my parents were a lot more strict with them than they were with us younger kids. As is pretty common, by the time they got to us they had mellowed considerably.
I have no idea how typical my childhood was compared to a non-Mormon childhood. It's all I have ever known so I really have nothing to compare it with. I suspect it wasn't much different except maybe for the number of children in the house, but in Mormonism 6 children is only a medium-large sized family so it didn't seem at all strange to me. There were several families in our neighborhood that had 7 or 8 children. There were even one or two with 10 or so children. I loved being in a big family. I loved having brothers and sisters around all the time.
Both of my parents worked full time, as well as my dad working practically another full time job (without pay of course) in his church positions so the older children (i.e. daughters) helped out a lot at home. The two boys weren't expected to do much but that is a topic for another time.
Anyway, I know this probably isn't the most exciting post of all time. I'm simply attempting to lay a foundation for future topics. We'll get to the good stuff eventually.
I am the youngest of six children. My older brothers and sister tell stories about my parents, especially my father, when he was a lot more strict. There is a particular story about a 2x4 with several nails sticking out of one end that was frequently used in discipline methods (before you freak out too much, no the side with the nails was not the business end). My older siblings swear up and down that this story is true and my parents are equally as adamant that they are making it up. Everyone makes their declarations while laughing and joking around so I have no idea if it ever even happened but I do know my parents were a lot more strict with them than they were with us younger kids. As is pretty common, by the time they got to us they had mellowed considerably.
I have no idea how typical my childhood was compared to a non-Mormon childhood. It's all I have ever known so I really have nothing to compare it with. I suspect it wasn't much different except maybe for the number of children in the house, but in Mormonism 6 children is only a medium-large sized family so it didn't seem at all strange to me. There were several families in our neighborhood that had 7 or 8 children. There were even one or two with 10 or so children. I loved being in a big family. I loved having brothers and sisters around all the time.
Both of my parents worked full time, as well as my dad working practically another full time job (without pay of course) in his church positions so the older children (i.e. daughters) helped out a lot at home. The two boys weren't expected to do much but that is a topic for another time.
Anyway, I know this probably isn't the most exciting post of all time. I'm simply attempting to lay a foundation for future topics. We'll get to the good stuff eventually.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Chapter 1: Huh?
Now, I'm not so presumptuous to think that I am some sort of great writer, or even that anyone will care about anything I have to say. I have created this blog mostly as a therapeutic tool for myself. If anyone else ever reads it and gets anything out of it, then I guess that's cool too.
You might ask what exactly is a Mormon Atheist...well, let me first explain that I am not a practicing Mormon. I haven't been to church in over a year and a half and I have absolutely no plans on ever going back. I think the Book of Mormon is a 19th century con job and Joseph Smith was a philandering sociopath who was far more concerned with his own power and control over others than in any sort of restoration of "the good news". If there is any sort of god out there I absolutely cannot believe she would choose someone as her "prophet" who would coerce 14 year-old girls and other men's wives to have secret (oh, sorry...sacred) sex with him under threat of eternal damnation for her and her entire family. I could be wrong about that but I highly doubt it.
The thing is...I will always be a Mormon. No matter how hard I try I just can't seem to escape it. My upbringing, and my subsequent escape from Mormondumb, colors everything I do, say, or see. Being a Mormon is much like being a separate race, and no longer going to church doesn't change the fact that in several ways, both large and small, I will always be different from the rest of society, at least that's the way it is for me. Mormons pride themselves on being a "peculiar people" and let me tell you: once you get out, that title follows you around like a child with snot covered fingers. You don't want it to touch you but you can't just tell it to fuck off.
I don't necessarily think this is all a bad thing. Sometimes I really would like to just leave Mormonism behind me and never think about it ever again. It would be so nice to be able to just be comfortable around people and not feel like some sort of alien on a strange planet. On the other hand, being Mormon has made me who I am. It has taught me so much about what it is to be manipulated by people who sincerely love you and believe they are doing the best thing for you. I am a much more critically minded person and I am hopefully a lot less likely to get sucked in to something like that again. I've also learned a lot about what it means to have true integrity, and to follow what you believe is right even when the cost of that is almost unbearable.
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